nothing

I have not written anything because my dating life as come to a complete halt.
I haven't even met anyone new. And I am actually ok with this. I am taking some much needed time to just be with me, and learn that being with me is ok.
Sounds cliche but when you have been in a long relationship you often forget your sense of self. Everyday you live for the other person. While this is fine and dandy, I am too young to not know who I am.
Sure I know who I want to be, and things like that. But I am working on wanting those things and being ok with achieving them by myself. Not worrying about how the next stage in my life is going to affect my partner.

I am proud to say that I have gotten to the point, where I am not constantly wondering
if I made the wrong choice by choosing to complete leave my ex alone. We had a discussion and he understands that this is something that I need to do. I am taking this day by day.
Today I'm ok if we don't get back together any time soon. Tomorrow is open for questioning.

on repeat

For the past few days I have had Bilal Think it Over, and Fantasia Bittersweet on constant replay. These are two songs explain exactly how I have been feeling. Have to listen to them both.

I do not like beating on a dead horse sometimes, so I have come to a small conclusion that right now I am taking some time for me to be with me. That means I most likely will not be going on dates. If I meet a guy that I just cant seem to refuse then, I may pursue a date, but that is no longer my objective.

I need to have some me time. I have explained this to Him, and I don't know how he took it, or is taking it. But his feelings can no longer be my priority right now. Mines are my main focus. After years of being with someone then jumping right into dating, I need to learn how it is to be completely alone. After I perfect it, I will then decide if I want to go back to the relationship that I left.

Sure circumstances are different now for my relationship, it is no longer long distance which I believed played a huge part in its down fall. And now the other person is starting to feel how I once felt, and may change their ways( notice I said may, because I know I cant change anyone). However I am young, and need to be with me. My life is changing in more ways then one. Although I am sure Him would have helped me with the changes that are arising. I need to adjust to these things on my own.

While I am sure Fantasia's Bittersweet will continue to play in my head all damn day. I am starting to become OK with the choice I have made. About staying single for a while( who knows how long that will be). If I do decide in the end that Him is who I really love and want to be with, then I will let him know. If he shoots me down, of course I will cry like a baby, but I'm sure their will be someone out there for me that God wants to be for me.

Here again

I am back to the feeling that maybe one day Him and I will be back together. Right now I am being selfish and taking time to explore. I don't know if this feeling is because we were finally able to talk about various issues and I feel that I could have went back to him. But I still want to be single for a while.

I am constantly thinking about what some of my friends would say if I went back. That's one reason why I made the choice. But then I remember an Arabic proverb I read that says friends give advice in the best interest of them. Meaning I can only take their opinions for face value. The ultimate choice is mine.

I am the one who was in the relationship and knows every story and every detail. Outsiders are only feeding off of what I told them or from the point of the relationship that they came in on.

But what if I am forcing something that may not be as inevitable as I think it is. I keep telling myself to wait another month and see where my head is at. If I feel I need another month then take that month. If its true love it won't die, he will be there. But then what if it is true love and he is not there....

this song

this song has touched me this morning in more wys then one( stole from concreteloop.com).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhN4IYQH-RY

I am at a...

...crossroad that only I seem to understand.

And I guess that all that should matter....


Today I was given my new phone by Him. Which meant I had to see him. We met at McDonald's because going to his house would not have been good for me. Its too comfortable. We discussed a lot of issues that were around when we were together and when were in the limbo state that we were. We discussed when things start to turn for the worse, and how things might have gone there.

We came to the conclusion that he wants us together and will not have us any other way, and I don't want to be in a committed relationship now, although I don't want him out of my life. All and all this was the hardest good bye of my life.

I am still confused about everything. There are a few thoughts that keep popping in my head. The main one is that maybe we will get back together someday. After I am done finding out if this is really where I need to be( in terms of being single).

I realize that I have been painting a picture that everything was bad in my relationship although for a while we were in a very rough spot and choose to end it. But after being with someone for so long, its like a marriage and I don't believe in divorce.

So I am at a cross road, in terms of what the future is for me and him. Right now we are no longer at all, and it pains me. But at the same time, after 5 years being single is a nice change. Meeting new people with out having to feel some type of way about it is nice.

Maybe right now I need to explore this life a bit more, before I jump back with him. And maybe after time has passed my head will be more clear.

But I cant lie and say I don't miss him tho.... He is still my love.

yup so

Thursday night I made plans with Car( i really want to say his name that is how annoyed I am), to get some drinks after I got off work.


I worked a 10 hour shift, and was very tired but after work I got myself ready to go anyway. I text him when I got out and he responds a half hour later. I tell him that I am by my job( which is very close to where I met him). He ask how long would it take to get back to BK, because he is in his house in Midwood. [ sidenote:I thought we had planned to meet when I got off work, why are you just chilling in the house.] So, I say 20 mins. I ask where in BK did he want to meet. I suggest downtown or in Fort Greene because that is easy enough for the both of us to go home after. [side note: I am assuming he still has a car,even if he does not, every train is down there.] He ask if we could meet in East Flatbrush....ummm that is no where near me, I cant even take a train from there back to my house. So I'm guessing he wants this to be convenient for him, screw the female that would have to get home at what ever hour with a little liquor in her system.



So I let him know that it is too far. He ask about meeting Friday, I had already told him I was going out of town, two day prior. Im not going anywhere but I did not want to double book. I remind him that I am going out of town. He proceeds to grill me and ask what time would I be back( while I am asking if he wanted to pick a better location, or if he wanted to bother at all). I say late, heres the doozer, he then says will you be free around 7. Now...if I said I will be getting back late, does that mean more on the lines of 7 pm or maybe 10-11 pm. Just saying...



Moving on.... He then ask where will I be going( what...is that any of your business, your not coming). I ask again( this all takes place while I stand by the train entrance) if he wanted to go out tonight. He says how long will it take me to get into BK.....DAMNIT did I not already say 20 mins. He says too soon hes not dressed. WTF, what the hell was he doing the whole time we were going back and forward texting.



Finally feed up I tell him, we will have to make plans for another time at a later date. Basically me saying deuces you are dismissed.



I can take the lateness of Mr. A, even Jersey hooking up his friends( he wants everyone to be happy, can not completely knock him too much). But silly stuff like what Car pulled is a big fat NO. Sorry....


in the words of my beloved B.Scott..... Bitch Boo Bye

Disclaimer

First, when I read back on some of my post, I think I may sound a little harsh...or judgemental of these men. This is not what I am trying to be. I do point out their good qualities and their bad. Plus I have to make this blog juice, otherwise you all would not care. So here is what I have to say about the two men that I am still(i think) talking too. Mr. A, some of you have meet him and have given me good reviews....thanks I like him too. Jersey, he is a real cool dude, and I am looking forward to meeting him later today( that's if it is still on...). That is all I have to say about those two for now

Second....I think I fell in love with a garbage man that was riding the back of the truck down Fulton street on my way home from work. Crazy, I know, but would you all have me any other way.



Third...please remember that I am not a writer, so excuse the grammatical errors....muah